Nerves & P For…

Nerves

I get so nervous like everything is going to fall apart. It’s a thinking game, a chess match and my next moves are highly scrutinized by me. I hesitate and think back to those awkward times. The facts are…I’ve been at the bottom for so long, moving upward seems as though it’s not practical. As if, I’ll always be on the crest; outward limits of success. The pain of having it all go away so instantly is familiar like family. I need a divorce now. I need to separate my mind from mental slavery and believe that the work I am capable of is rewarded by those that are willing to invest, mainly me.

My comfort level is my reward. The stability I will earn is my reward. The routine that I will build that is no longer dependent on an external being is my reward. My peace of mind is the goal and the drive is enhanced by the need not to fail. Therefore, I will walk in the fish bowl and conquer the critics and those that shoot praise, because they are one in the same. They are the analyst that have achieved the holy grail; ease of certainty.

I can do it. I will do it. I must do it. It is already done, just don’t fall victim to the red tape at the goal line.

***

P for…

I can’t imagine being anything other than persistent these days. Today, yesterday, the day before last, last week, last month, quite frankly, the last 3 years. It has just felt different to me. I’ve noticed that I can fall four times out of four and fail three more times before I realize the contest, or I can flourish and be praised for my attitude and cool demeanor concerning change and not care or give it a difference of opinion. I’ve reacted and have become reactive. In either case, I here say, that I’ve made an oath, that my presence and conduct must always be perceived as persistent to me and no other.

I’ve teetered through in the past, alongside most. I’ve made excuses for adequate short comings alongside others. I’ve blamed everyone for my attained troubles but myself, in light of reasonable consultation from myself. I’ve realized the strain of ownership and ignored the capabilities of my
ignorance in situations both beneficial and detrimental to me. 

Despite the infractions to my conscious, I here say, that at least I remained persistent. At times,

Persistently Naive

Persistently Negative
Persistently Aggressive

Persistently Challenged

Persistently Angry
Persistently Happy

Persistently Labored

Persistently…Persistent

In truth, my persistence is remaining steadfast to a commitment, no matter the alarming and judging outlook by others. It, pertaining to motives, can either be alleged as positive or negative. It is no concern to you because persistence leads to consistency and consistency leads to learned behaviors, and that is how you transform from being who you are today into what you want to be, tomorrow. I just pray it’s
positive.